This morning, as I was reminded yet again we are not pregnant, I got ready slowly and opened up the windows at the Gatewood beach cabin while waiting for the coffee to brew. This beach cabin always holds my favorite views and yet this morning, at the moment I opened those windows, I saw something I have never before seen there. Out near my favorite rocks, the Kissing Turtles, the sky held the end of a beautiful rainbow. In the stillness and beauty of that moment I was reminded again of God’s promises and faithfulness and that even though I can’t understand why we only got 22 weeks of pregnancy with our daughter and now, over a year later, remain barren and childless…God is still good.
The rainbow faded fairly quickly, which I took as a sign it was put there just for me to see, and I drifted over to the coffee maker for some much needed caffeine. Coffee in hand I turned back to the window and was blown away by what I saw. The end of the rainbow had disappeared but the sky was lit up as the rainbow stretched across its vastness. And I stood there, tears rolling down my cheeks, in awe of this beautiful sign that even though part of the rainbow disappeared the rest was revealed and was even more stunning. It wrapped around those rocks in a giant hug and in that moment I felt seen by God, held by Him and known.
He was lovingly telling me that even though one part of our story was fading, there is still so much He has promised for us.
And so it’s okay. It’s okay that I can’t see exactly what He’s doing right now in my barrenness. It’s okay to both grieve the loss of hopes and dreams and, at the same time, have unexplainable peace in knowing His plans are better than my plans. It’s okay to simply be.